


If Only

by funfetticakes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, College, Crying, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, I Don't Even Know, I Don't Write Like That, I Made Myself Cry, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Idiots in Love, Just A Sprinkle of Slow Burn, KEEP READING, Love, M/M, Overthinking, Pain, SUFFER WITH ME, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sleepless nights, Take Away My Computer, Unrequited Love, Why Did I Write This?, confused feelings, happy at first, please
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:48:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25397920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funfetticakes/pseuds/funfetticakes
Summary: Just your regular shmegular angsty and sad Tsukkiyama fic w some love mixed in :)
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 18
Kudos: 30





	1. Alpha

**Author's Note:**

> ummm, I kinda hate writing, reading and english in general but this is the one exception I will make

The night sky never looked clearer. Especially not where Tadashi lived. There was too much air pollution to see the stars so clearly from his backyard. From Kei’s rooftop though? It was stunning. It left you wondering about the bigger things, how all the smaller things fit together to make up this big world that doesn’t seem to make sense sometimes, if it ever does.

One of their favorite things to do to pass time is talk existentially. ESPECIALLY on nights like these. It’s so easy to get carried away and forget that there’s a whole world of people out there, all living their own lives, all doing things day by day to survive. It’s easy to forget things like these when you only want to focus on what’s right in front of you. Sometimes, this reality check they give themselves is very much needed. 

They planned nights like tonight all the time when Kei’s parents went away for weekends at a time, which was very often. They’d usually end up spending the entire weekend together. Staring at the night sky was a tradition. No matter what else they planned to do for that weekend, going up on the roof would ALWAYS happen. It was normal. This was their normal.

Tadashi plopped himself on Kei’s lawn. He liked being on the ground more than the roof. He puts up with his very _slight_ fear of heights and goes up on the roof with Kei just because he knows it’ll make him happy, make him smile even. Kei always seems to convince him time and time again that there’s no reason to be scared as they walk themselves inside and up to his bedroom window. Stepping onto the roof, Kei makes sure he holds Tadashi’s hand when doing so because, one, Tadashi will most definitely have a panic attack, or faint, or both if he doesn’t, and two, to make sure that if his nerves get the better of him, he can catch him before he damages that pretty little face of his.

**“** Are you sure we should go on the roof? What if we fall off?!”, Tadashi says with earnest concern in his voice for what felt like the millionth time in his life. He’s already halfway out the window when he catches a glimpse of what he thinks is Kei’s smile and it puts him at ease. He wants to believe it’s his smile, because, yeah, he likes making him smile.

**“** If you fall, I’ll catch you.” Kei softly said.

**“** Good luck trying to catch me if I fall first. How will you from all the way up here?” Tadashi asked. 

“Just trust me.” Kei said with an indescribable smile.

“Mmm… okay.. But if I fall, you’ll never hear the end of it!” Tadashi made clear.

After taking their usual seats at the very highest point of the house, one leans on the other, as per usual. They both get lost in it for a while, the beauty of it all. It’s kind of like a trance. Nights have this unmatched energy that days cannot compete with. Sure, daylight hours are great because you can see and you can go out and do various things, but nights are different, a good kind of different. The calmness of it all, it’s impossible to compete with. Nights were always their favorite, especially when they were younger and nights were the only quiet time they got to spend together. 

Kei stared and stared until his eyes felt like they were set ablaze because he wasn’t blinking. Tadashi’s hair did this thing that Kei would spend a century trying to describe if he could. The way it fell, the way it framed his face, how soft it appeared and how soft it actually was all matched Tadashi and who he was. He was soft, he was free flowing, he was something you wanted to touch and never let go of, just like his hair. And his eyes, God don’t get Kei started on his chocolate eyes that you could just fall right into. Kei can’t ignore his freckles either. They litter his face as if God himself painted them. He’s tried to count them many times, but he always gets lost in appreciating another aspect of him. He didn’t want to stop staring at him, to stop thinking about him, but he’d never let him know that. They had a good thing going, too good of a thing to mess it up. Kei very well knew this, yet it didn’t stop him. He wanted to see what would happen. He liked to think of all the things that COULD happen, but what WOULD actually happen intrigued him the most. A smile, with hidden intent, slowly made its way onto Kei’s face, but Tadashi was oblivious. Too distracted by the stars to care, to realize what was actually going on. 

The night was mostly filled with meaningless conversation and laughs that arose from it. The moon shone extra bright tonight like it knew what was going to happen. This. This was something out of a movie. It didn’t feel real at all. Tonight especially had a certain feel to it that neither of them could quite put their finger on. Kei couldn’t help staring again. This time, he was staring at every little movement Tadashi’s face made when he talked and laughed and even smiled. Every movement, every crinkle, everything was just too good to stop looking at. It gave him this kind of euphoric, high feeling. Hopefully, it would be a neverending high. He didn’t know what to call it, to call this. He didn’t want to call it anything really, it was too overwhelming to figure it out, yet it still didn’t stop him from crossing the line. 

Kei inched closer and closer to him by the minute, knowing fully well that this could all go south so fast, but he wanted to do it anyway. He wanted to play with him. So he went for it. The words falling on Tadashi’s ears like feathers falling from the sky. It took awhile for his brain to catch up to him, to what was going on, but Tadashi finally processed the meaning behind the words when Kei blurted out “Kiss me”, with absolutely no warning at all. It took about a whole minute actually. 

He blinked, and stared and blinked again, heart speeding up by the second, palms shaking ever so slightly.

“W-what?”

“I said kiss me. What, are you scared?” Kei said as he moved his face closer to Tadashi’s. Too close. He was doing it on purpose. All of it. Provoking him, teasing him, getting closer, just to see where things would go, with no real care.

“I..” was all Tadashi could get to come out of his mouth. Silence. 

Kei relished in seeing him squirm, watching him get flustered, watching his cute face turn a darker shade of red by the second. It was quite… entertaining to say the least.

Kei flashed that devious smile again and clicked his tongue before attempting to turn his attention back to the stars. Until. 

It was that smile that sent Tadashi over the edge, flinging himself forward and crashing their lips together all too hard. That smile that communicated over a million possible words, a thousand probable thoughts, a hundred actions, all resulting in this. 

Until they kissed for what seemed like what felt like an hour and five seconds simultaneously. It felt too long when it was happening, yet too short when it ended. They both pulled away with a contented hum and continued to look up at the stars. Silence. Again. 

_…_

_What. Just. Happened._

_I know things like this happen, but I never expected it to happen between us. Why did my chest tighten? Why did my stomach do a flip? Is this actually real? There’s no way. It can’t be. Not.. not us. Just not the two of us. It doesn’t make sense. My heart feels like it’s going to burst. Why here? Why now? Did he feel the same way I did during that? Is it bad that I want to do it again? Should… should I ask if we can do it again?_

_No. No...this was a one time thing. It happens all the time between friends. It doesn’t mean anything. Friends kiss right? Yeah, they do. They have to, otherwise this doesn’t add up.. it doesn’t make sense.._

_…_

_A one time thing. Yeah.._

Silence dominated between them for the rest of the night as they fell asleep on each other on the roof like they usually do until the sun crawled into the sky to let them know that it was time to go inside.


	2. A Wrong Turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where the real suffering starts. Enjoy :)

The smell of freshly brewed coffee was Tadashi’s drug of choice. It was always what got him to wake up in the mornings, whether or not he actually had something important to do that day. But today, today was different. He was wide awake before the thought of coffee even popped into his mind today. He could barely sleep last night with how happy he was. Even with his four hours of sleep, he felt energized enough to go for a run. He might have done so if it wasn’t already 1pm. 

His immense amount of happiness was being threatened though. The more he tried to logically think through why they kissed that night, the more his joyful feeling tried to run away. He held onto it, as tight as he could.

God, that night. That glorious, perfect night. It was right out of Tadashi’s dreams. He kept wondering if maybe this meant there was something more to come. Maybe something even better. 

_ He did it as a joke. No way it’s more than that. It was nice while it lasted though. Really nice. _

He was overthinking it. He knew that he was overreacting. He knew that it didn’t mean anything, but he wanted to believe it did, just for a little while longer. It’s been a while since Tadashi was so happy that he couldn't wipe a smile off of his face. He wanted to savor this, just for another day maybe. Or two. Or ten. 

A slideshow of images of them kissing was playing on repeat in Tadashi’s head ever since it occurred. That slideshow was the reason he couldn’t sleep last night. A pleasant chill would rush down his spine and spread through his entire body everytime he replayed that ONE dangerously specific scene in his head. The one where their lips met for what he now decided was way too short of a time. 

_ Is this what people mean when they say they have “butterflies” in their stomach..? It’s great. I love it. I love this feeling.  _

It was scary how much one action could leave such a lasting effect on someone. He understood that actions have consequences, but this.. these consequences were a lot different than what he imagines when he thinks of the word consequences. Usually the word “consequences” is accompanied by an image of a principal’s office and a wave of guilt mixed with anxiety. The consequences of Kei’s actions were nothing like that. These consequences were way more enjoyable than expected. 

_ If Kei and I were the only two people in a principal’s office, alone, that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world… _

He slapped his face lightly to bring himself back.

_ Uhhh… where did that come from..? I mean, it wasn’t completely unpleasant but.. _

_... _

He cleared his mind as he inserted a K-cup into his Keurig machine to brew a french vanilla cup. The sound of the coffee maker heating the water was satisfying. It was routine and natural. What wasn’t routine was Kei constantly making his way back into his mind no matter how hard he tried to think of something else. Again, these thoughts weren’t completely unwelcome, but they were setting him up for disaster later. He knew this, yet still continued to let his mind roam and run full speed ahead. 

_ He’s so attractive. Do you think he knows that? Should I tell him..? No. Don’t. _

Kei’s image sat in his head for what some would consider too long. His heart would speed up ever so slightly when he saw Kei’s face in his mind, staring into his golden eyes. It was like staring into a bottomless pot of honey.

_ Honey. That’s cute. Maybe.. _

One shake of his head brought him back into his kitchen. Adding no milk or sugar into his piping hot coffee, he picked up his cup and went to sit at the kitchen table and zoned out again as soon as his eyes ‘focused’ onto the nearest wall. He seemed to be zoning out a lot lately, but he didn’t mind nor did he care enough to stop.

An image came to mind. Kei. Sitting on the roof. Staring at Tadashi. His golden locks framing his face too perfectly. His various ear piercings glittering in the moonlight. His eyes gazing into only what Tadashi could describe was his soul. He was too good to be true.

A shiver ripped through him. Absolutely shredded his last bits of sanity. 

He was picturing Kei, staring into his own eyes as he uttered those sweet and sinful words. 

_ “Kiss me.” _

Another shiver. This time, a thousand times more powerful. Tadashi let out a heavy sigh. 

He took a sip from his cup, trying to ignore the fact that he now had the urge to throw himself at Kei so hard that they both fell over and laughed at it. Then he wanted them to kiss again. 

_ As friends of course. Nothing more. ‘Cause that’s what we are. Friends. Just friends. _

An all too familiar chime from his phone sent Tadashi flying from one end of the kitchen to the other. He spilled just a bit of his coffee onto the table as he got up out of his chair to go check if he didn’t imagine the text tone, which he occasionally does. His phone, still lit up, displayed one notification.

**Kei**

**One New Message**

He unlocked it and read the message from his… best friend.

_ He’s your best friend. Just your best friend. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Could be more than that one day though... _

**parents gonna be out again, you down to come over & do whatever?**

_ AAAAAAAAAHHHH. OF COURSE I’M DOWN. WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? _

A smile so bright that could only be described as morning sunshine overtook his face as he silently screamed for the second time in his head. He reread the words too many times. So many scenarios filled his head. So. Many. All ending with their faces all too close again and then their tongues in each other’s mouths this time around. His blood felt hot, hot enough to be considered boiling. Every nerve was on edge all because he was thinking of what could happen between them. Tadashi was too distracted with the scenarios he was playing in his head to realize the fact that he left Kei on read for five minutes now and still didn’t have a response ready to send back. He also, (so conveniently,) didn’t realize that his hotter than hot blood was rushing to places that weren’t just his head and his heart. 

_ It’s been too long… What do I type back? _

He bites his lip as he searches his brain for a response. He realizes what he’s doing and stops. His heart beats harder in his chest every second that he doesn’t respond. He types out a word.

**sure**

_ You sound like you don’t even wanna go over. Delete it. Don’t overthink it. Pick something else to say. Hurry up.  _

He deletes it.

After several minutes pass by, he settles on six simple words. Out of the hundreds of responses that ran through his mind, he decided against showing any… enthusiasm over text.

**what time should I be there?**

He presses send, swipes out of the conversation and puts his phone down as fast as he can. Too scared to hear that chime again in fear of what he would send back. A good kind of fear though. 

A response was received almost immediately. Tadashi opened his phone immediately and his eyes almost popped out of his head when he read the text from Kei.

**whenever you wanna show up pretty boy**

This time around, Tadashi realizes far too quickly where his blood rushed to after those last two words felt like a punch from an angel. It was heavenly. His head felt heavy yet light at the same time. It felt fuzzy, like his head was clouded with the static that appears on a TV when the cable goes out, white noise accompanying it. He could only imagine what would happen if Kei called him that to his face.. 

_ Pretty boy… Pretty boy… wow... _

He loved the message and ran upstairs to figure out what he was going to wear tonight. Some thoughts that Tadashi would 100% rather ignore made their way to the very front of his brain. He gave up trying to stomp them into oblivion and let them have their moment. 

_ You’re spending so much time picking the clothes you’re going to wear tonight even though you probably won’t keep them on long enough for him to even notice.  _

_ … _

_ No. We’re friends. Best friends. He wouldn’t. We wouldn’t. It wouldn’t make sense.  _

_.... _

And with that last thought, he pushed everything else so far back into his head so that, again, it felt like white noise. This time around, the white noise sounded an awful lot like rain over the ocean. A rainstorm while the tide was high to be exact. Waves crashing and crashing constantly against the shore. Waves taller than Tadashi himself entered his head. One crashed into him as he didn’t fight it as he got sucked in. 

...

He picked his clothes out in silence, showered, got dressed and grabbed his usual overnight bag. He walked down the stairs, left through the front door, locked it and got into his car. Then he sat. And stared. And thought. Eyes focused on the steering wheel of the still parked car, he took a deep breath and attempted to calm himself down. 

_ You do realize you’re freaking out right? Over nothing. Just because you guys kissed once doesn’t mean anything. It was nice but… it doesn’t mean anything. Stop. STOP.  _

Tadashi pushed his thoughts into the back of his head for what seemed like the tenth time today and started his car. As he put in Kei’s address to see which highway would get him there the fastest, he took several deep breaths, remembering that he would be fine. 

_ Everything would work out. It has to. _

He buckled his seatbelt, took hold of the steering wheel, checked his mirrors, turned on his turn signal, and pulled out of his parking spot with no intent of coming back for a few days. 

He was happy, until it hit him as he turned right. Reality slapped him in the face and left a searing mark on his cheek. As he reached the first stoplight that glowed a cherry red color, a single tear fell down his face and he wiped it away immediately.

_ What if nothing happens..? What then..? _

That thought made it feel like someone was stabbing him right in the heart, turning the knife in a circular motion, trying to carve a hole out. It felt too real. Too painful. Any hope of savoring the happiness from their kiss melted away slowly. The puddle remaining left behind words that hurt more than they should have. 

_ Nothing is going to happen. Deal with it. _

The light turned green and his mind was quiet for the first time in two days as he focused on driving so that he could see Kei again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ummm if you're reading this, ily <3


	3. Cloudy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woah. Just woah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it pained me to write this chapter more so than I thought it would

The sound of gravel crunched under Tadashi’s feet as he stepped out of his car. The usual smell of freshly cut grass and flowers from Kei’s lawn surrounded him. Kei’s parents were always people to obsess over appearances. Crazy how Kei turned out the exact opposite of them. Although he doesn’t care about appearances, it doesn’t seem like it. The way he dresses, the way he presents and carries himself, there’s something hypnotic to it. Tadashi falls into a trance if he thinks too hard about it. Heck, he falls into a trance just looking at him for too long. Like now. As he watches Kei open his front door and walk down his steps to meet Tadashi on the sidewalk. 

_ He’s mesmerizing.. _

It’s crazy. Tadashi would throw it all away to be with him, but he’d never admit that to himself, at least not yet. If Kei asked for something, anything, Tadashi would run so fast that he would leave scorch marks behind him to deliver whatever Kei desired. He likes to see him happy. Tadashi’s own happiness is fueled by Kei’s. Even if what Kei wants could hurt him, he’d still do it. Just see him smile. Just to keep him satisfied. 

Again. He’d still never admit that to himself. Not just yet at least. 

_ Remember. You guys are friends. That kiss sometimes. Nothing more. You got this.  _

“Are you ready?” Kei asked. 

“Ready? Ready for what?” Tadashi replied. 

“You’ll see.” Kei said with a smile that could knock out an entire army. Or at least, that’s what Tadashi thinks he could do with it. 

_ Oh God. Is this going to turn into what I think it’s going to turn into? ‘Cause if it is…  _

Tadashi shook his head ever so slightly to bring himself back down to Earth as he followed Kei inside to see what awaits. Tadashi trailed after Kei like a lost puppy. Kei headed straight for the kitchen after closing the front door and locking it. Tadashi kicked off his shoes and took a deep breath. 

_ Breathe. You’ll be fine. Everything is going to be fine. It’ll all work out. It has to.  _

He’s slowly realizing that he has a problem. A reassurance problem. Needing to constantly reassure himself of everything wasn’t anything new to him, but needing to constantly reassure himself around Kei? That’s never happened before.

_ Is it because of the kiss? _

_ … _

_ Whatever it may be, it doesn’t mean anything. Stop. _

Tadashi quickly but quietly climbed the stairs and arrived in Kei’s kitchen just in time to see him taking a bottle out of a cabinet that has never been opened before. At least not in front of him. Kei shook the bottle teasingly in front of Tadashi. 

Kei spoke just loud enough for Tadashi to hear him across the kitchen island. “Surprise. My friend recently got his fake and wanted to test it out. ‘Too bad’ he couldn’t keep the bottle because his parents are super strict. We can still enjoy it though.”

Tadashi stared at him. Moving his eyes between Kei and the bottle in his hand, he couldn’t decide what to say. 

_ Do it. See what happens. Do it. Say yes.  _

_ … _

“You’ve drank before. I know you have because you’ve told me about it. It wouldn’t be fun if it was me drinking alone, now would it?” Kei said with excitement in his voice. There was also something else mixed in with it, something a little darker that Tadashi couldn’t quite pinpoint. He bit his lip and looked down at his feet, as if searching for the right answer on the floor. He doesn’t mind drinking at all. Drinking with Kei though? That’ll for sure be something.

_ What’ll happen after we start drinking? Will it be like that one night all over again? _

He wouldn’t mind if tonight went in a similar direction as the other night did. He wouldn’t mind at all. He’s just scared of the repercussions, the aftermath, what’ll be left of them after it all, if they’ll be anything left. 

_ There’s only two possibilities and they’re both stretching it.. _

  * _We fall in love and stay together forever and adopt kids and work our dream jobs and move in together and have a dog and a pool and.. And…_



And Tadashi could go on and on for hours about the expectations he has if they were ever to seriously be together. It’s not like he’s never put any serious thought into his future, he just didn’t expect Kei to play an even bigger role in his future life than he already had in mind.

  * _Or. Or it fucking blows up. Into a million pieces. A million pieces that couldn’t be put back together even if I had all of eternity to do so.._



_... _

_ What would happen to our friendship? Would we still even have a friendship? Would we be in an actual relationship? Does he even feel the same way at all? I mean why else would he tell me to kiss him? Was it a joke…? _

Silence prevailed for a bit too long. Kei turned around and walked to the kitchen sink to open the bottle of hard liquor in case any spilled onto the counter. 

“I won’t force you to do anything. I would never do that to you. I just think we’d have more fun if we both drank tonight..” The tone of his voice sent SHIVERS up and down Tadashi’s spine. He was practically shaking across the island. Kei’s words always had an effect on him but he hasn’t experienced anything like this before.

_ Fuck it. _

Tadashi walked over to the dish rack and grabbed two clean shot glasses. Placing them down on the counter, he looked Kei dead in the eyes and voiced his answer as clear as day.

“Bottoms up.”

An hour passed. Too many shots were taken. At least too many for Tadashi’s 138lb body to handle. He may have only had four (and a half that he almost ended up throwing up over the sink), but that was more than enough to send him past tipsy yet still keep him far from being drunk. Especially when the only thing he had to ‘eat’ today was a cup of coffee. Add the fact that he drinks more than the word “sparingly” could ever describe and anyone could have seen that this was a recipe for disaster. Kei cut him off after he started bursting out in laughter every 30 seconds. 

“But Keiii.. I can handle it! Let’s take one more, pleaasseee..”

He reached for the bottle in Kei’s hand. This was when Kei’s height came in handy. He raised it so far up that Tadashi couldn’t reach it even if he jumped for it. Tadashi backed off with a pout on his face and those puppy dog eyes that usually get Kei to agree to anything.

“I don’t think so lightweight. You know what you could have though? WATER. I’ll get you some so go sit your swaying ass down on the couch. Try not to fall on the way there.” Kei ruffled his hair and motioned for him to go wait for him in the living room, but Tadashi wouldn’t give up so easily.

“How come I’m being cut off and you aren’t?! This isn’t fair!” Tadashi whined.

Kei took Tadashi’s face into his hand and caressed his cheek softly. “If you could see yourself right now handsome, you’d agree with me in a heartbeat.”

_ WHAT. I’M SORRY, BACK IT UP, W H A T. DID HE JUST? TO ME? RIGHT HERE?  _

Tadashi’s heart rate quickened as a silent scream filled his mind. Adrenaline was coursing through his veins. Kei turned around to go put the bottle away again and he just knew that he couldn’t stop now. Not after that. 

Tadashi didn’t listen to Kei. He didn’t want to. Not when he was feeling so... good. Especially after Kei threw the H word at him with zero warning. Even though he was standing still, the room had this slight movement to it. Enough to make him realize that he was definitely tipsy, but not enough for him to absolutely need to sit down before he puked his brains out all over Kei’s kitchen floor. Instead of walking to the couch, he got closer to Kei. He reached for the bottle for a second time. This time, Kei didn’t realize Tadashi was trying to grab at the bottle until..

_ Oh. _

Their faces were close again. Too close. They stared into each other’s eyes for a while. The tension between them could’ve been cut with a butter knife. It was obvious. They both wanted it, but didn’t know if the other did. The uncertainty was eating them alive. Again, Tadashi made the first move. He slammed their lips together in an all too familiar fashion. They kissed like their lives depended on it. The sound of heavy breathing and lips smacking against each other filled the kitchen. It was like they were the only people on the planet.

Tadashi kept moving backwards until his back was up against the island. Kei took note and picked him up. Placing him on the island as some trivial items were knocked to the floor, the tension between them melted away into swift, passionate kisses. It was as if they were both stranded in the desert and they were each other’s first sip of water in over two weeks. Tadashi pushed Kei’s glasses up until they were resting on top of his head to make it easier for them to go at it. He grabbed at his blonde locks and pulled hard, to which Kei let out what Tadashi could only describe as a sound of approval. It was becoming desperate. Desperate and shameless. At one point that neither of them could remember, it became a full on, open-mouthed, tongue on tongue kiss. Kei moved his hands from Tadashi’s back and gripped his hips hard enough to leave bruises. 

_ I hope he leaves bruises. God, I really hope he does. _

Kei then picked Tadashi up again, letting him wrap his legs around Kei’s waist. Making their way down the hall to his bedroom, they didn’t break the kiss once. Laying him on the bed gently, Kei smiled through their kiss knowing that this was what he wanted. He did. Truly did.

Kei pulled away and Tadashi whined softly, not happy about Kei’s mouth leaving his. He looked at Kei in his, now much darker, golden eyes. The unintended eye contact sent a wave of indescribable pleasure through Tadashi’s body. 

_ He’s so perfect. So fucking perfect... _

Tadashi grabbed at his soft hair again, this time not as hard, as Kei planted his mouth on his neck and sucked until a bruise was left behind. Kissing it, he then kissed his way back up to Tadashi’s mouth, making sure to not to leave an inch of skin unappreciated. After planting a quick kiss to his mouth, Kei was in the process of trailing his way to Tadashi’s ear until he realized that the sounds of encouragement coming from Tadashi had gone awfully quiet. 

Heavy breathing, eyes closed, Tadashi drifted off into sleep all too soon. His head was clear. His thoughts were calm. It was the first time he was at ease in a while, so it wasn’t much of a surprise to him the next morning that he knocked out so quickly. 

Kei sighed as he realized that all that alcohol caught up with him. He laughed softly at how much more of a lightweight Tadashi was than him.

“You’re going to kill me, you know that?” Kei whispered into Tadashi’s ear. 

No response back.

Laying face to face on their sides, Kei pushed Tadashi’s hair behind his ears a few times, each time proving more and more useless because his hair would just fall back into his face. He planted a kiss on his forehead and covered him with the blanket. He got up, went back to the kitchen, picked up the various items that were knocked over as a result of their activities earlier and finally put the bottle away. Slowly making his way back to his room, he joined Tadashi under the blanket, arm encircling him with what some would call love until he drifted off into sleep himself to the sounds of an overly played song that never gets old. 

“You’re electric, babe..” 

He couldn’t agree more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry I was late w this one :( me, my health insurance card, and a sticky key on my laptop were all in a room together and it ended in me breaking the key >:( it’s okay though bc I dropped my laptop off for repairs tdy!
> 
> if you’re reading this, you deserve the world, nothing less <3


	4. Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yikes. The real angst starts here :(

After that one night with the bottle of alcohol, Tadashi knew for sure. He definitely felt something. The only problem at hand was figuring out what exactly that something was. He laid in bed at 1am staring aimlessly at the ceiling as he tried to gather his thoughts and feelings. He tried to make sense of it all even though the more he thought about it, the less sense it made. He kept coming back to the same conclusion that he was afraid he was going to come to when he stepped out of the shower to get ready for bed at 10pm. 

_ I’m not sure how to describe it. It’s hard.. I felt like I was on fire, but not at the same time. It felt like I was under the world’s biggest kotatsu. It felt warm and welcoming. I felt lo- _

He cut his thought off and pushed it as far down as it could go.

_ Love? Really? After making out twice? That’s not how that works. I don’t love him. I’m just confused. Yeah, I’m confused.. _

He’s been picking his thoughts for three hours now and is still at square one. No matter how many times he runs this race, he always ends up in last place. He starts running time after time even though he knows he’ll lose.

_... _

_ Just because we kissed doesn’t mean anything right? People kiss all the time and feel nothing. This is probably no different. But it really did feel like something more was going to happen that night.. _

A shiver ripped through him. He pulled the blanket over himself and laid on his side. Staring at his desk, he watched his reflection move as he did in his computer monitor’s darkened screen.

_ There has to be something more behind it all. There’s no way that we would kiss on multiple occasions just for it to mean nothing. Why else would he go along with it? Why else would he have told me to kiss him the very first time? _

He furrowed his brows as he tried to put the puzzle pieces together. What he’ll never realize is that he doesn’t have all the pieces to complete this puzzle yet.

_ He makes me feel comfortable. I feel like I can tell him anything. Mmmm.. if I were to compare how he makes me feel to anything.. _

He scoured his brain for all his favorite feelings. The smell of vanilla when he bakes occasionally, the feel of hot water on his skin after a long day, the warmth of two blankets during the coldest winter nights, the relief of laying his head down on his pillow after working all day. He combed through these feelings and many more, but one seemed to stick more than the others.

_ The feeling of that first sip of a hot cup of coffee, especially when it’s much colder outside. That rush of caffeine mixed with a constant flow of warmth. That’s how he makes me feel. He’s my drug.. _

_... _

_ Ohmygod. I like him. There’s no doubt about it.  _

_ Wait. What? _

He said it in his mind again, to see his own reaction.

_ I like Kei. _

His face quickly grew hot. His body felt fuzzy and tingly. He was biting back a smile as he let the feeling overtake him.

_ Holy fuck I do like him. _

Tadashi stuffed his reddening face into his pillow and screamed. A smile spread across his face as comfort washed over him. He said the same three words over and over in his head to make sure that the feeling that was clouding his thoughts and making him blush wasn’t just a one time thing. Everytime he said it again, the same reaction occurred. He did so until about 3am when he decided that he should probably get some sleep. He turned over onto his other side and smiled at his wall as he closed his eyes and repeated those three words again and again. He slipped into a dreamless sleep, ecstatic that he had an answer to what seemed like an impossible problem to solve.

  
  


* * *

He had finally come to his answer and he wasn’t going to keep it to himself for much longer, not when he was practically jumping off the walls. Tadashi was overjoyed. Beaming. He was ready. Today was the day. He was going to tell Kei. He rehearsed over a hundred different ways he could and still couldn’t decide on one. He was planning to sleep over at his house again because Kei’s parents were supposed to be away for a week starting today. He spent more time at Kei’s than anywhere else. Who wouldn’t want to spend all their time with their… best friend? Possible boyfriend? Kind of love interest? He wasn’t so sure what to call it yet because he didn’t know how Kei felt, but they’d have all the names and trivial details worked out by midnight tonight. Even though he didn’t have any words particularly rehearsed, he had the scenario played out perfectly. He would tell him on the roof. As soon as they got up there, he would tell him and everything would work out somehow. It would work out. It had to. What would happen after? Well, Tadashi thought about that maybe a little too much. He played out so many different possibilities of what would happen after, all scenarios ranging from a “rated e for everyone” all the way to a “mature audiences only”. They all had the same happy ending though, himself with Kei, in his arms, feeling on top of the world. He was honestly okay with whatever as long as it was going to be with Kei.

Before any of this happens though, they’d have to get through this boring Saturday first. Meeting some of your old high school friends for the first time in over a year counts as boring when you‘re doing backflips in your head because you figured out that you actually like your best friend. He was too thrilled to care about anything else that was going on today. He was praying the day would go by faster and faster every second.

Tadashi and Kei walked into their favorite coffee shop. The jingle of the coffee shop’s bell was accompanied by soft music and the smell of the best espresso in town. Not many people were in a coffee shop on a Saturday. Especially not at 3pm. Everyone had other plans, better plans. There were so many possible plans for a Saturday at the end of November that everyone was out pursuing them. Not many people meant it was a lot quieter though, which was always a plus.

Tadashi’s voice was brimming with excitement as he said “Okay, here’s the plan. You go grab us a table and I’ll order us drinks.”

“Whatever you say, Captain.” Kei replied with a teasing tone in his voice and a little salute to go along with it.

Kei turned and started to walk away as Tadashi called out after him. “What drink do you want?”

Without turning around, he responded with, “Surprise me.”

_ Oh, I will. Just you wait on it. _

Tadashi walked off towards the cashier to place his and Kei’s orders. Being immune to the effects of normal amounts of caffeine, he sprung for a drink that the cashier looked scared to give any normal person in fear of them having a heart attack. For Kei, he chose something subtle, a drink that still reminded you that you were drinking your normal heart rate away, but barely. He paid for both and went to sit down next to Kei at a table that was situated in the back corner of the shop. It was private and quiet, just how they liked it.

As the coffee shop employee called out Tadashi’s name to let him know his drinks were ready, that little bell on the door chimed again. Walking in, one after the other, Kuroo and Kenma arrived “fashionably late” as Kuroo would say. They both walked to the cashier to place their orders and greeted Tadashi and Kei with a small wave, so as not to disturb the environment for everyone else.

After acquiring their drinks, they sat down at the table to join Kei and Tadashi. The last time they were all together like this was in their senior year of high school. Going to different universities, it was hard to plan something that worked with everyone’s class and work schedule, but that’s just how life is as you get older. Free time is harder than ever to find between the four of them, but when they did find the time, it was like a happiness filled blast from the past. They may have all only met in high school, but it felt like they had known each other for a lifetime. They talked and laughed as they caught up with each other. Some revealed their declared majors as others revealed studying abroad plans. They were all destined for greatness at some point and they couldn’t wait for their day to come.

As the conversation mellowed out, Tadashi went to get up to go order a second drink. He then heard words that did more than piqued his interest. He walked away from the table slower than usual on purpose in hopes of eavesdropping.

“So Kei, are you seeing anyone?” Kuroo asked. 

Kei was quiet for a moment, as if he didn’t know how to respond.

“Why would I be?” Kei replied. 

The words burned Tadashi’s skin, leaving red marks and blisters. He ordered through what felt like his whole body going up in flames.

_ Maybe he has a good reason. Maybe he’s joking or maybe he’s lying. Don’t jump to conclusions. Keep listening.. _

“Why wouldn’t you be? I’m sure you know that Kenma and I are dating and have been for a little while now. I’m just saying, being in a relationship is a lot better than I expected. You realize a lot of things about yourself and your partner. It does more good than you would think. I feel like you would be the type to settle down with someone you love, don't you think Kenma?” Kuroo chimed as Kenma looked away, nodding his head. Kenma sipped his drink to hide the fact that he was blushing ever so slightly because of Kuroo’s words.

“Why would I waste my time on a relationship? I’d rather do a billion other things than be in some …” his voice trailed off as he failed to find the right words. “It’s stupid, pointless, and a waste of time and money. A waste of energy. Do I look like the type of person to NEED someone?” Kei said coldly. 

Tadashi’s heart crumbled. Shattered. It was just..broken. Broken in every place. In every way possible.

Kei dealt the final blow. “I don’t need anyone and I don’t want anyone.”

A single tear ran down Tadashi’s cheek as he gripped his second drink and made his way over to the counter to pretend to add milk and sugar so he could pull himself together. The table was quiet. Kuroo felt like he struck a nerve so he apologized, switched topics, and let Kei be.

Tadashi stitched himself back together and walked back to the table as if nothing happened. As if those last words didn’t rip every single emotion from his chest just to forcefully shove it all back in with no warning. He felt raw, like every single part of him was exposed and was being actively beaten with a baseball bat. He did what he does best, shoved it all down. Shoved every emotion so far into the back of his head so he could forget about it. A small pain made its way to the front of his forehead to warn him that he was doing too much. He wasn’t letting himself breathe or process what just happened and it was because he didn’t want to. He didn’t want it to be over before it even started. He thought that maybe this was all a joke and Kei didn’t mean any of it, until he convinced himself otherwise. He rarely added to the conversation after that, but he did so just enough so that they wouldn’t question how he was doing. As an alarm went off on Kenma’s watch as their signal to leave, the four of them made their way outside to say their goodbyes. Kuroo and Kenma got into the same car and left in record time, saying something about missing a work shift or maybe a class. Tadashi wasn’t sure anymore because he stopped paying attention. Kei’s words brought him back to reality.

“You’re coming over tonight, right?”

The words absolutely melted Tadashi’s heart for all the wrong reasons. He felt like a puddle, stepped in time and time again.

_ After all of that, he still wants me to come over. Does he think I’m fucking stupid? I know exactly what’s going to happen again.  _

The thought of them being close again ripped a irreparable hole in his heart. 

_ I can’t just sit here and let him fucking use me. He clearly doesn’t reciprocate any feelings and I’d be hurting myself even more in the future when he tells me to my face that he wants nothing to do with me. I’d be a fucking dumbass if I sit here and let myself get torn apart.. _

Tadashi bit his lip and didn’t stop himself from doing so as he mumbled his response. “Actually, I’m not feeling too well, I think I should just go home and get some rest. Sorry to cancel on you so suddenly.”

Kei shrugged as if Tadashi said nothing. Tadashi looked down as if looking up would get him killed. They both walked to the parking lot, got into their cars, waved their goodbyes and drove off in two different directions. 

The drive home felt longer than usual to Tadashi. He was honked at more than once for not driving when the stoplight turned green. He didn’t think anything of it because the only thing he could think of was Kei. He kept making up excuses in his head until he finally accepted that Kei voiced how he truly felt. Then he proceeded to convince himself he was confused and never had feelings to begin with. The 20 minute drive felt like a 20 hour drive as he parked his car and felt more mentally exhausted than school could ever make him feel. He stopped only once, to take in the sunset for about five seconds until he thought about how much Kei would appreciate it. He trampled over all of his thoughts and forced his mind to be quiet as his headache grew worse.

Only one word resonated in his head more than the others. One that he couldn’t push down no matter how hard he tried. As he unlocked his front door and stepped inside, it played on loop in his head.

_ Why... why… why…  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m literally nocturnal at this point, sorry for the 5am upload  
> if you’re reading this, thanks for reading :’)


	5. Echo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tadashi wonders & wonders...

The moonlight was the only source of light in Tadashi’s room. Being a little past midnight, he was laying in bed doing what he does best, stare at his ceiling and overthink. After the coffee shop incident, he lied to Kei by telling him he caught a cold. Kei, like any good best friend would, offered to come over and take care of Tadashi in every way possible but Tadashi knew that things wouldn’t end well for him if he did. He knew that Kei would see that he was faking and then he’d have to explain why he lied. He’d rather avoid that conversation completely for the rest of his life. Tadashi had to make a deal, though, to keep Kei from showing up at his house on his own. The deal consisted of hourly updates of how Tadashi was feeling and pictures of his meals. While texting Kei all the time wasn’t anything new, texting Kei constantly about a lie Tadashi made up wasn’t easy. He’s never really lied to him before tonight, they’ve always been honest since they were kids. 

_ If I tell him about how I feel, it’ll just drive a wedge between us. It’ll make things awkward or end our friendship. I don’t want to tell someone who “doesn’t need or want anyone” that I need or want them in my life. Or that I enjoy their presence. Or that I think we’d make great parents. _

Tadashi ignored that last thought. He hadn’t received a reply from Kei for over an hour so he assumed he fell asleep or went to take a shower. Just as he let that thought settle in, his phone lit up, his favorite text tone belonging to only one contact filling the room. He picked his phone up from beside him and the words on his unlocked screen stared back at him as his brain malfunctioned.

**Kei**

**hows my baby boy doing on this chilly night? I hope you’re under two blankets so you can get better faster so i can see you again**

A second message popped up as Tadashi was still processing the first.

**or maybe I can come over and keep you warm all night, it’s your choice**

Tadashi shuddered at the idea of Kei ‘keeping him warm’. 

_ Maybe he didn't mean what he said in the coffee shop. Maybe he just said that to get Kuroo off his case. Maybe I’m the one exception. Maybe... _

**_Or maybe he’s fucking with you and you’re too stupid to realize it._ **

_ … _

_ No, Kei doesn’t just do things with no reason behind them. He wouldn’t just say that if he didn’t mean it. _

_ … _

**_Kei seems to do whatever the fuck he wants. Excuse me for being REALISTIC. You should try it sometime._ **

_ …  _

Tadashi bites his lip hard trying to figure out what to text back. He knows he’ll get hurt if he asks Kei to come over so, using everything in him, he decides against saying yes.

**Oh no, that’s okay! I’m feeling a bit better now and I’m under three blankets!! I don’t want to risk you catching whatever I have :( Maybe next time!**

He presses send and set his phone down for the night. He’ll pretend he fell asleep after that last text even though he knows he’s going to be up for a while before he can get his brain to quiet down or give up. He doesn’t want to read anymore of Kei’s texts for the rest of the night because he knows he’ll end up changing his mind with just a bit of convincing on Kei’s end. He sighs heavily into his empty, dark room.

_ … _

  
  


_ Is this actually happening? Why does he keep fucking playing with me? Just because he doesn’t want a relationship doesn’t mean that he can fuck with how I feel. I shouldn’t be letting him walk all over me like this.. _

Tadashi sighed heavily aloud.

_ Then again, I’m letting him do this. I’m mostly, if not, partly at fault here. It’s my fault for letting him in. It’s my fault for taking such a liking to him. It’s all my fault.. _

_ … _

_ I need to get over him. Or at least make some kind of plan. If I don’t, all my decisions will be made based on my instincts and my instincts when I’m with Kei CANNOT BE TRUSTED AT ALL. _

_... _

_ Okay here’s the game plan moving forward: _

  * _Whatever is going on between us might just be temporary or it might not. For however long it may last, just enjoy it. Maybe he’ll change his stance on relationships. Things can change. Just continue to go along with whatever game he’s playing because all in all, it’s nice to kiss him and be close to him and hug him and sleep next to him and…_



Tadashi blushes hard as he tries to bring himself back to his ‘plan’.

  * _Keep your feelings to yourself. You don’t want to ruin whatever is going on between you two right now. You especially don’t want to ruin your friendships. We’ve been friends for years and to let it all crumble away over some trivial feelings.._


  * This could just be a crush. It could pass. Crushes happen all the time. It might not be anything serious.


  * Kei could actually like me but he just doesn’t know how to say it. We’ve never really talked like that except for when we talk about our parents.. Maybe he has feelings and he’ll come forward and tell me and then we can live happily ever after. 



He stops in his tracks at the last part of his plan.

_ Could Kei like me..? And he just doesn’t know how to tell me..? _

_ … _

_ Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and hope for the best. If I tell him I have feelings, he might pity me and go along with a half-assed relationship just to entertain me. That would really end our friendship for good.. _

_ … _

_ If we’re ever going to have a REAL relationship, Kei has to confess first. If I come forward first, I’ll never know if he actually reciprocated my feelings or if he said yes out of pity.. Kei isn’t the type to confess his feelings out of nowhere.. _

_... _

_ A real relationship… yeah that’s never going to happen. Quit fooling yourself. _

Tadashi had finally given up after that last thought. He stared at the ceiling with tears blurring his vision. A scene played out in his head as the first tear ran down his cheek. It was warm, it was nice, it was.. everything he ever wanted from Kei. It was all of Kei, flaws and all, holding his hands and expressing his feelings for him in his room. 

_ It was fake. It was all fake, everything up until this point has probably had no meaning behind any of it. He won’t clarify anything for me either and I just- UGH I CAN’T THINK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE FOR TODAY.  _

Tadashi shoved a pillow onto his face as he finally let out his bottled up emotions. Tadashi wasn’t one to be vulnerable in front of anyone. He would pick and choose very carefully who had the ability to truly hurt him in an irreversible way. The number of people who had complete access to his life included Kei, Hinata and Kageyama, although Kei and Hinata were close to Tadashi at this moment in time.

_ Maybe I should text Kags. Maybe he’d have something better to say to me than Hinata would. Hinata would tell me to abandon it all so fast.. _

He picked up his phone to see five missed text messages from a very complicated person who just so happened to be blonde. Tadashi set his phone down as he remembered that Kei existed. He briefly forgot about his woes just for 30 sweet seconds to try to create a text to send to Kags. It all came rushing back. He turned over in his bed, back facing his nightstand that had his phone on it. Lingering thoughts of “ _ how do I make it stop..”  _ ran through his mind until he pushed them so far back into his brain so that he couldn’t feel bad anymore. Tadashi yawned after he finally got his mind to quiet down just a bit. Running through impossible scenarios in your head all day just to lay down and overthink at night drains you more than you think. 

A final verdict rang through his mind as he drifted off into sleepland.

_ Keep your mouth shut. Keep it all to yourself.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um,,, I may have dropped off the face of the planet for a while. srry. the last few months have been really rough. I started this whole story on a whim and I'm not really the writing type. i do this mostly to get my feelings out. i just share in hopes that you guys will be entertained by it  
> lol that got so real so fast so let's finish with this: have a cute lil ol' night. stay safe guys! hope you enjoyed (& will try to update more but who knows akekeke)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for taking time out of your lovely day to ready this :)
> 
> fun fact: the google doc that I decided to write this fic on is named "fluff^2", but then uhhh.. something went wrong to say the least


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